Bye Week Drive-by

Just a few random thoughts real quick:

- God can never stop shitting on the Detroit Lions. It's like he's a cat who keeps playing with the doomed-ass mouse, but won't just go ahead and kill it. That's how I know that Ford field will never be swallowed up by the earth or hit by a meteor or anything like that; it's because they are still being batted around like a mouse, before being rendered by the terrible claws of God.

- With all the bullshit and horror surrounding Chicago Bears quarterbacks over the last 50 years, I suppose it's only fitting that when the Chosen One finally arrived, it had to be in the form of a dude with no neck, a shitty haircut, the look of a child whose goldfish just died forever burned onto his face, and who can theoretically be killed by Mountain Dew.

- Holy shit, Broncos won. 5-0, and here I was figuring four wins was the most they'd possibly win this year. They must be slipping hella-vitamins into Orton's pre-game vodka jug.

- I was thinking a few days ago about how I really wish the Bears had a better fulback than Jason McKie and how he's pretty much just an injury replacement that they never bothered to replace with a real starter. Anyway, I thought back to a year or two ago, when they had this one guy they signed from the Cowboys in camp who outplayed him in every way and still didn't win the job, but I couldn't remember his name. I remember he had some really messed-up name with a bunch of K sounds in it, and I kept rolling it around in my head, and for some crazy-ass reason, the first name that came up was Quorthon. So fuck it, in the unlikely event that I remember his name and it comes up in the conversation again, I'mma call that dude Quorthon.

- Top Ten names I almost used for my fantasy team, but didn't:

10. Whitfield Cranes
9. Colombian Cartels
8. Terrorist Fist-Bumps
7. Mobb Deep
6. Douche McAllister
5. Dio-Era Black Sabbath
4. Mighty Monarchs
3. Maniac Cops
2. Holy Christmas Jew
1. Pip Rivers Demon Army

- Oh man, Jamarcus Russell actually completed over 60% of his passes today. It's the dawn of a new era, so long as you don't pay any attention at all to any other stat or piece of information even remotely related to that game, and never even look at any of the game photos.

Next Week: I hope we don't suck.