Redskins 0-1 Positives/Negatives Metasciences Recap

(pic is Laron Landry's lime green Lamborghini, just because)
This year... or at least this week... I'm gonna do a Positive/Negative listing in between Redskins games. I started the year with an even 4 positive, one even, and 4 negative, and will shift it up or down a notch or two to reflect positivity or negativity as I deem it necessary due to the internal turmoil and Sunday soul frustrations this team causes me. Football is passion and heart, yet scientific. Actually, it's all metaphysical too, because if every Redskin fan had faith, they'd win more often. But it's hard to maintain faith if nothing is there to validate it. In other words, Redskins fans are beyond teetering and actually fallen over into the chasm of Football Atheism, where we don't believe in shit no more. But I digress. Here are the 9 points positive or negative in descending order for this week, sliding south to 3 positives/the even center/and 5 negatives...
3RD DEGREE POSITIVE - LONDON FLETCHER. I never posted my defense preseason preview, but London Fletcher is the guy on this team I highly tout. He's a small-sized MLB, and often gets beat when he gets stuck covering a faster TE on plays. But dude is a fucking workhorse, can take over games if he feels it, and had 18 fucking tackles against the Giants. That's not great because it would've been nice for Albert Haynesworth big ass to take a handful of those tackles before it got to the second line of the defense, but whatever man. Fletcher is a wily veteran defensive quarterback, and if the Redskins have any sense whatsoever, London will play here until he retires, and upon retirement, he shouldn't have to carry his box of locker possessions far, because they ought to be cleaning up a desk in an assistant coach's office for him to move it to.
2ND DEGREE POSITIVE - CHRIS COOLEY. I've been down on Cooley this year, as he seems to be too caught up in himself. That won't get easier with his wife being on the stupid VH1 Footballer's Wives program or whatever it's gonna be. But the fact of the matter is when the rest of the offense is sucking ass, Cooley is there to make a stumbling, bumbling 12 yard gain for a first down when it looks like everybody else has half thrown in the towel. Cooley plays hard, and maybe I forgot that a bit due to him being Mr. Blogosphere and taking pictures of his dick for no reason, plus selling some ugly ass shirts on his website. But if he can instill his fire into some other motherfuckers around him, maybe we can go 9-7 this year.
1ST DEGREE POSITIVE - HUNTER THE PUNTER. Yeah, the fucking punter. But honestly, on the fake field goal where the Skins scored their first touchdown of the season, there's a lesson to be learned. Hunter Smith took the snap, and instead of just jumping up and dashing off to get trampled by Giants special teamers, he moved the ball down as if to set up for a kick, and in that small important detail of execution, Giants special teamers actually went into their diving motion, so that as Hunter spun all the way through backwards to take off hilariously with the football, high stepping it like an 8 year old whiteboy pretending to be Deion Sanders, there was no one standing there to fuck the trickery up. Execution. There's a lot of Redskins players that don't seem to realize that every little thing fucking matters, and if you don't do the little shit, the bigger shit never falls into place. I guess that probably comes from the top down in Redskins Park though.
EVEN DEGREE - ANTWAN RANDLE EL. My boy Carter was with me watching the game, also a Redskins fan, and I was very quick to talk shit about Randle El as much as possible. But he got more yardage receiving than almost anybody in the league last weekend, probably because most everybody thought he was a really good 3rd receiver anyways, so the Skins moving him back to the slot sort of allows him to thrive. However, he was still going 49 yards sideways to get 3 yards forward on his punt returns. And that first hand-off to him for a rollout pass, man, he telegraphed that shit immediately. Again, execution, or selling the small details to fake out the defense. People have gotten sloppy in this team.
1ST DEGREE NEGATIVE - DEANGELO HALL. He had the one interception almost come back for a TD, which is what I'm expecting from him this year. If the defense can't put up 10 easy points on their own and with the offense kicking in chip shot field goals to finish a turnover off, then this team is fucked anyways, because the offense is a four-cylinder one at best. But man, what the hell is up with Hall's soft ass coverage? I mean, I understand if you're worried about the deep threat on a play you play off, but goddamn, he was giving steady ten yard cushions all day long, and stupid hick Eli Manning was whipping out the easy third down conversions left and right. I worry about how much this secondary will lose it's hunger and heady play with Shawn Springs gone. I hate the salary cap sometimes, because Springs is the type of player you keep around till he's done too, and move him to a coach's office as well. I can't exactly see Albert Haynesworth being a field coach like that.
2ND DEGREE NEGATIVE - LARON LANDRY. At times I really feel for Landry. He came in and it was supposed to be the greatest safety combo the NFL had ever seen, him and Sean Taylor. And then Taylor gets ripped from us too early (Heaven needed a Manimal) and everybody quietly starts trying to have Landry replace Taylor. No one is ever gonna replace Sean Taylor. That was one intense ass dude, who scared people, even at the NFL level. T.O. never got T-Rex arms as easily as he did when Taylor was lurking. But at the same time, Laron Landry was like a #6 overall pick, and he ought to have turned a corner by now. Actually the same can be said, but even more so, of Carlos Rogers. These guys are supposed to be gamebreakers back there in the secondary, but instead they get stupid penalties or can't catch even easy interceptions. If this team's defense is going to turn it up and not just be solid but actually intimidate motherfuckers and turn games around so that easy Ls become crushing Ws that destroy the psychological outlook of opposing teams, guys like Landry and Rogers need to step the fuck up. But Laron Landry doesn't have to be Sean Taylor, because he never will be. Just keep your head in the game. And like Sean Taylor, if you're gonna get a stupid unsportsmanlike penalty, make sure it rattles some bones and is worth the 15 yard investment, and not just a stupid lack of focus.
3RD DEGREE NEGATIVE - SANTANA MOSS. When Moss does good, he can make you proud he's a Redskin. But when he's not having a good day, it's a little too obvious. His off days are really off, like 2 catches for 9 yards, and one of those will be that stupid quick slant dump to him the Redskins always do that never gets a fucking yard anymore. Santana is a likeable guy, but he's never really set himself up as the go-to man. If no one else is playing up that day, he'll get boxed in with double teams or whatever, and next thing you know his helmet is getting ripped off and he's pouting his way back to the huddle. I almost feel bad talking shit on him, since he is such a likeable player, but fuck man, if you're gonna be the #1 receiver on an allegedly promising offense, you've got to be able to get open more often, even in double teams. Use some of that fire that makes you so pissed off standing around after a play to adrenalize yourself during the plays.
4TH DEGREE NEGATIVE - JASON CAMPBELL. I don't know man, he's one of the nicest guys ever, but sometimes he looks fucking lost out there. And usually I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt and blame it on a coaching staff that won't take the reins off him or let him have a little more freedom on the field. But then something like that first interception in the Giants game happens. He was a good three yards over the line of scrimmage when he threw the INT. THREE FUCKING YARDS! I mean, sometimes a QB might be right at the line and make an illegal forward pass and you can understand it. But if you are supposed to be the main guy on the field, completely into the game and aware of all aspects so that shit runs smoothly, how the hell do you go three yards past the line of scrimmage and still think it's okay to heave a pass down the sidelines. The interception wasn't even the bad part. It just showed a real lack of awareness on his part (as did his fumble returned for a TD by Osi Umenyiora later in the game), and for a guy who has had to defend his grey matter ability this offseason, you think he'd be trying to step the cerebral aspect of his game, not regress.
5TH DEGREE NEGATIVE - DAN SNYDER. I actually looked at a Redskins fan message board this week, and was amazed to find people - lots of them even - defending Dan Snyder, saying he had nothing to do with this team's poor play. Dude has been a meddling influence from day one, and if star players know they have a back door to the owner's office, how the hell are they gonna be afraid of answering to their coach? And if they're not afraid of their coach, why will they try to execute every fine detail of every play? And if they don't execute every fine detail, then they look sloppy, and fail ultimately. It all falls on Snyder. Any success this team has will be in spite of him, not because of him, and you know he's already got Cowher and (fuck) Shanahan typed into his cell phone if things get worse. I feel bad for Zorn, because he's in over his head at times, which is understandable since he was never anything more than a QB coach before. But I almost feel like once Snyder knew he couldn't get a top-tier coach, he moved Zorn up to head coach to buy some time till the next coaching carousel cycle. Except Zorn started really strong last year, strong enough to not be able to justify him getting fired after one year. If I was Zorn, I'd coach this team like that dude did in Major League, pitting Snyder the owner as their enemy who wants them to fail so he can get new guys in who will make more money and they'll pull the 3 Lombardi trophies out the cabinet again and set them in front of a podium for someone else to come along and make Snyder's little dick hard yet again. That's how Zorn should be hyping his team, win to piss the little owner fucker off, and then if he won't waste more of his stupid money on you, someone else will be more likely to with you having some success in such a shitty environment. Then do a hip hip hooray, and hand out Zen meditation books or some shit.
ACCUMULATED INFLUENCES UPON THIS FRANCHISE 2009, BEST TO WORST: MLB London Fletcher (+3), TE Chris Cooley (+2), P Hunter Smith (+1+), WR/PR Antwan Randle El (even), CB DeAngelo Hall (-1), FS Laron Landry (-2), WR/PR Santana Moss (-3), QB Jason Campbell (-4), owner Dan Snyder (-5).