My Fantasy October Calendar of Upcoming Events

OCTOBER 4TH: The 0-3 Tampa Bay Buccaneers storm into FedEx Field, and having never seen a quarterback of Josh Johnson's amazing running/passing abilities, and the Redskins defense is not so much dazzled as apathetic, and they lose to the Buccaneers, giving Tampa their first win of the season.

OCTOBER 11TH: The 0-3 Carolina Panthers, coming off their bye week, welcome the Washington Redskins into Charlotte, and Jake Delhomme magically looks like Terry Bradshaw again, with Steve Smith getting like five touchdowns. Panthers win their first game of the year, in week 5 of the NFL season.

OCTOBER 18TH: The Kansas City Chiefs, winless in their previous five games, come into Washington for a battle for NFL Indian-themed team supremacy. Matt Cassell looks like Tom Brady and Dwayne Bowe scores a couple touchdowns, and Larry Johnson, fresh off of beating up another ex-girlfriend, adds another three on the ground, as the Chiefs win their first game of the season.

OCTOBER 26TH: After a pathetic 1-5 start, the Washington Redskins host the Philadelphia Eagles at home on a nationally televised Monday night game. All the old people and unemployed people who couldn't afford their season tickets have been sued and their tickets resold to ticket brokers who fill FedEx with the drunken green and black of Philadelphia's scummiest, who combine alcohol and adrenaline to go emotionally buckwild as the Eagles offense, featuring like 19 different scoring threats, goes Arena League on the Redskins. TV cameras flashing up to Dan Snyder's fagbox show him walking around frantically, yelling at onlookers. After the game, whatever sideline slut they have at that point asks Jim Zorn if he's gonna get fired, and he says, "I can't worry about that. I like our progress though. We just have to execute. We have the talent." About an hour later, a press release announces a 10 am press conference the next morning at Redskins Park.

OCTOBER 27TH: They've pulled out and polished up the three Lombardi Trophies yet again, like they always fucking do, and Dan Snyder steps to the podium, everybody expecting him announce Jim Zorn getting fired on his off-week, with Offensive Coordinator Sherm Smith already prepared to call him and ask, "How you gonna get fired on your week off?" since he and Zorn used to get high and watch Friday a lot together in between breaking down game tape. But Snyder instead starts rambling, and has a large manila envelope, saying "I'm sorry to have to do this," and pulls out a loaded pistol and commits suicide live on ESPN's C-Span press conference channel. Reporters are shocked, and it has a million youtube hits by lunchtime.

OCTOBER 28TH: Sonny Jurgensen and John Riggins announce they will be acting on behalf of the Redskins to find new ownership immediately, and the current coaching staff and player personnel will remain intact, probably for the rest of the season.

OCTOBER 30TH: Contacting Alexander Ovechkin for help, who goes back to Russia and finds a couple sketchy Russian billionaires to buy the team, outright, with cash (euros though, as they refuse to do the exchange into dollars beforehand), and John Riggins is named as "Face of the Franchise during transition to Redskin Glory Again" as it says on the banner. Riggins is asked if anything more will be expected of the players, and he says, "Well yeah. Of course." A follow-up question of how does he expect to get more out of this team gets the cryptic answer, "Look, they'll either do better or suffer the consequences." He also announces a re-signing of Jason Campbell for four years at $20 guaranteed. When asked if this means he's definitely their franchise quarterback, Riggins answers matter-of-factly, "Not at all. He sucks. But it's after the trade deadline. So we re-signed him with the contingency of trading him to the Raiders as soon as the season is done for two first round draft picks, or three second round ones... I can't remember what Al said he had left after handing them over to the Patriots. But basically we're gonna get a bunch of draft picks for our shitty starting quarterback. So it's a win-win situation, for us."

OCTOBER 31ST: In what is said to be a freak off-the-field injury, Carlos Rogers is placed on season-ending injured reserve after suffering two broken legs. When asked by reporters what happened as he is wheeled from Redskins Park, he says, "I fell down." Also, Clinton Portis comes out noticeably bruised on the left side of his face. Asked what happened, he answers, "Hey man, Portis took a tumble, that's all. No more questions." Also, former UFC fighter Oleg Taktarov was announced as Motivational Coach.