Dear White People

Please stop trying to give nicknames to Chicago Bears players. We've already been through this, starting around the time Devin Hester ran back his second or third punt for a TD. Look, the dude had a perfectly fine nickname coming out of college. To a select few, he was known as "Anytime." You see, that played off his hero, Deion Sanders, who was "Primetime;" while Deion made any second on the field seem like prime time television, Hester could score any time he touched the ball. It worked, it was catchy, and it could even fit on a customized jersey:
See? That's how you do a fuckin' nickname. But you see, Chicago Bears fans are, by and large, a whole bunch of terrible white people. And terrible white people can ruin anything. So what did they do to the guy? They named him the "WINDY CITY FLYER."

Only one of these guys should have a name like "The Windy City Flyer." Hint: Not the dude on the right.

That there is the whitest shit I've ever heard. Like that's the sort of nickname that would have flown (no pun intended) back in 1938 or whenever players like "The Galloping Ghost" or "The Flying Dutchman" were pimping around in their leather helmets and the games were covered by dudes with little white slips of paper that said "PRESS" tucked into the bands of their fedora hats, but it doesn't work now, goddammit. And I'm pretty sure it would take as many as four replica jerseys for that to fit on the back anyway.

Okay, two.

But you couldn't just stop there with Hester. Now, you've gone after Jay Cutler, with this "Midway Jay" shit. Midway Jay. Seriously. Mid-fucking-way Motherfucking Jay. I mean, I get it; it's kind of a take on the whole "Broadway Joe" thing, and I'll give you credit, Terrbile White People, that's a lot more clever an angle than what you people usually come up with. But come on now. "Midway Jay" doesn't sound like a star quarterback so much as it sounds like a guy who runs a store where you buy unpainted furniture or unclaimed freight or unwashed dildos or something.

So please, Terrible White People, just stop now. Stop it with your stupid goddamn hero-worship of slow, white wide receivers, stop getting all uppity about a black player having dreadlocks because you think it makes him look like a "thug," and above all else, stop giving the players fucking nicknames. There, I've said it.

PS: For the record, though, I've already made my choice as far as a Cutler nickname.