Inside the Mind of a Pats Fan

What's up, dudes? I am CHINBALLS, and yes, chances are if you have heard something about me, it is true. If you have heard nothing about me, I redirect you to Harpo's excellent introductory post.

And let me state something that most of you will agree with: Man, I fucking hate Patriots fans.

I say this, as they are my team, and I feel like I deal with them on a pretty regular basis. I'll browse Patriots forums, and just feel shame at the rampant douchebaggery (is that even a word? Probably not but fuck it.) expressed by my brethren.

And so, I figured, with my introductory post here at AL, I would try to explain, because there is no justification, this awful behavior.

1. Patriots fans have some of the biggest persecution complexes known to man. It's not uncommon behavior to see Pats fans genuinely believe that their beloved team are being routinely conspired against. Whether it's Bill Polian having bought off the refs or the Jets having the commissioner in their back pocket, there's no football-related conspiracy that's too out there for this fanbase. Every sportswriter, local or national, has some kind of anti-Patriot agenda.. it's just ridiculous.

2. Patriots fans are all about that "IT DON'T MEAN A THING IF YOU AIN'T GOT THAT RING" bullshit. This is the kind of thing they used to tease Yankee fans about, and now, by large, they're just as fucking bad. I think the worst thing that could've happened to the Pats (and Boston) fanbase is when the Patriots got good, so did the Red Sox, and now so have the Celtics. So basically every team in Boston (because who gives a shit about hockey? Really?*) is suddenly really fucking good. So that makes them fucking impossible to please. I am a Texas Rangers fan, and because of this, the Patriots could become fucking dogshit for the next 15 years, just fucking Cardinals in the 90s level bad, and I'd still be fucking stoked as hell that I got to see the three Super Bowl wins and 18-1 last season, which up until the end was a fucking great ride. They'd still have rewarded my fandom more than the fucking Rangers have. I understand being excited about a great team and that success comes with some expectations, but for fuck's sake, enjoy the ride, you manbabies.

3. They don't know HOW to win. This is a side point from point two. The Pats fans and Boston fans in general had been kind of fucking tortured for most of their lives, so when they did win, they became the most unruly winners possible. Suddenly, every other team in the league is just fucking jealous, dudes who couldn't tell Chris Slade from the dude carrying your groceries out to your car (oh wait, my bad, that WAS Chris Slade.) are acting like they kicked the winning field goals themselves, and it all just gets too much sometimes. Fuck, George Bush has more tact when dealing with brown people than most Pats fans do online, period.

I will say, in full disclosure, that there are times when I start to slide into some of these categories myself. There are things that I will say that when I come back, it's just like "Jesus Christ, what the fuck is wrong with you? Don't be such a fucking mook." However, I think a difference is that I have that self-awareness, while most of these types are all too fucking happy to make themselves look like unrepetant petulant cocksuckers.

And on that note... go Pats.

'BALLS

*apologies to any Canadians offended.