Help Us Calvin Johnson, You're Our Only Hope

I will be honest with you right from the start here. I missed the majority of Sunday's game because my dad called me up and wanted to take me out for a late lunch for my birthday. So, I hung out with the old man for a few hours and basically ignored the fact that there was any football going on at all. And I was fine with this. Of course, I got back home just in time to see the Texans go up 28-10 on the Lions and it is my understanding that the game started out like most of the others have this year, with the Lions spotting the other team three scores before realizing that they were actually in the stadium and not still sitting around jacking off in their hotel rooms. Perhaps I should have hung out with my dad a while longer. I did see Calvin Johnson turn in a huge play in the fourth quarter though to put the Lions within striking distance. The Lions were stuck at their own goal line and Johnson, with his 4.3 speed flew by the dipshit covering him and hauled in a pass and ran the rest of the way for a ridiculously long touchdown. It was one of those plays resulting from pure talent and it was one of those plays that superstars make when they need to. It was not a play made because of a brilliant scheme or because of a defensive lapse, like so many of those types of plays often are, but it was a play made simply because Calvin Johnson was better than anyone else on the football field. It made me smile and gave me a small bit of hope for the future. Now, we just have to make sure that Calvin stays happy and gets the ball as much as possible. I don't give a fuck if they have to start doing goofy ass shit like lining him up at quarterback and taking a direct snap or using ridiculous double reverses or whatever the fuck they have to do, they need to just give him the ball and let him go make plays. He is the only thing they have going for them and I really, really don't want to see him turn into Roy Williams and just say fuck this shit and quit trying. There have already been signs of this early in the season and the Lions have to do whatever they can to make sure it doesn't mushroom into something ugly and, well, to be honest, Lionesque. The coaches should be forced to draw straws each week to see who has to blow him every day after practice. Fuck, buy him some whores and let them lounge around his locker all week. I don't care. Just keep him happy. The thing that had me most excited in the football world on Sunday though had nothing to do with the Lions - at least not directly anyway. The Cowboys were fucking abused by the Rams of all teams and not only does that mean that it looks like my hopes that we will see Jerry Jones drunkenly pistol whipping Wade Phillips - pantsless of course - will come true, it means that there's a decent chance that the first round pick the Lions acquired from the Cowboys in the Roy Williams trade will be better than any of us thought. Perhaps if the Cowboys continue to implode and the season does end with Terrell Owns sashaying across his front lawn wearing Tony Romo's skin as a coat, the Lions might actually end up with two high draft picks, and maybe, just maybe, with Matt Millen dead and buried, someone with competence might actually make something of this unexpected boon. I know, I know, it is asking a lot, but it is all I have as a Lions fan and so I will put all my eggs in this admittedly rickety basket. Also on the plus side, Roy Williams didn't do shit against the Rams and I suspect that I will be watching the Cowboys the rest of the season and praying for their demise even more fervently than I normally do. I am sorry Cox, this is what my season has come to.