I've got that old feeling again. That old familiar feeling you get when you watch a cockroach try to make his way up a wet bathroom wall. The way you know that no matter how high he climbs, he'll always hit that one slippery spot and fall back to the start. And he keeps trying and trying. But soon, the hot water will hit him. Soon he will be dead. Soon, he will be down the drain, and it becomes time to wait for the process to repeat with a more promising - yet still utterly doomed - cockroach. And all you can do is watch and laugh at the hopelessness of it all. I live in a shitty little apartment with nasty neighbors, so I see this a lot. Somehow, it's rather appropriate in the context of Chicago Bears football.
But hey, I found a way to actually be positive for at least a few minutes here. On the offensive plus side, Kyle Orton is still playing like a goddamn hero, even with a shitty gang of wide receivers, his best one (Brandon Lloyd, of all the damn people) spraining a knee, and no running game as of late, due to a 2007-esque collapse of the offensive line. His rugged manliness and quarterback unshittiness have been a breath of fresh air, in the wake of all those years with what's-his-name looking like a 15 year old date rapist and throwing the damn ball into the air with no intended target, and crushing my spirit over and over again costing me my one chance to see the Bears win a Super Bowl while I'm young enough to not be shitting in a bag, GRRRAAARGH FUCK YOU FOREVER REX GROSSMAN I'LL KILL YOU I'LL STAB YOUR FAMILY IN THE FUCKING FACE YOU DICK-EATING DOG. Uh. Yeah, I guess it's time to get negative again.
The biggest problem on the side that's supposed to have the ball and move around with it is the aforementioned offensive line run-blocking meltdown, which has left former superstar-in-the-making Matt Forte producing about the same as what the no-headed monster of Cedric Benson and Adrian Peterson did last year. The thing here is, the Bears went like thirty-seven years without paying any real attention to the line in the draft, (I guess ol' Jerry is still smarting from the Marc Colombo thing. By the way, how many games has he started for the Cowboys now? 38 and counting. Nice move, fucko.) and have instead relied on other teams' scrap-heap veterans and the vain hopes that someone will find a magical amulet somewhere in the bowels of Soldier field that will make Olin Kreutz and John Tait revert to being 26 years old, in which state they shall remain for all eternity. This is made all the more hilarious by the recent news that Terrence Metcalf, a worthless meat-sack who's been with the team six years without ever cracking the starting lineup for reasons other than someone else's injury, Terrence Metcalf, a lineman who could not block and oncoming snail if you shot him in the head and threw him down on top of it, Terrence Fucking Metcalf, a man who must have taken Matt Millen's blackmail photos of William Clay Ford and photoshopped Virginia McCaskey over them as his only means of staying on this team for so goddamn long... Is on steroids. You mean, he needed to be artificially enhanced to not play as well as Roberto fucking Garza? He had to be on the gas to give people fond memories of Tom Myslinski and Todd Burger? Wow. Holy fucking... Wow. But hey, Chris Williams is practicing in pads now and should be back soon. As long as he can play about three positions at once and excel at all of them, we're money.
But the defense. Oh, the defense. Shit. The Bears could very well go into tomorrow's game missing both starting cornerbacks, two of their backup corners, AND their backup corner/safety/nickel back, Danieal Manning. It begins. Same as every one of the last few years, the defensive guys are dropping like flies, (that rhymed) and we got torched by a rookie QB last week as a result. Also, after handing out all those bigass contracts, they've barely gotten a damn thing back in return. Sure, Lance Briggs might be having his best year, but next to him, Brian Urlacher is having one of his worst, as invisible as he was for most of last year, except without back injuries to fall back on as an excuse this time. Another big deal signeee, Alex Brown is the same as he ever was, which is to say that he'll have one good game that makes people say "oh my god, Alex Brown is Pro Bowl bound, seriously, this guy is FOR REAL," and then goes missing for a six-game stretch. Worst of all has been Tommie Harris. In one year, this guy went from seeming model citizen and absolute killer of a destroyer on the field to just being some asshole taking up roster space. He's missing practices, showing up late for shit, getting suspended by the team, and having babies with mommas that he's not supposed to be having babies with. Also, his only real meaningful contribution to the team has been one recovered fumble that he immediately fumbled back to the Falcons, handing them a first down. I guess they should have known better than to give a gant contract to a guy who hasn't finished a season in two years, but this is the Bears we're talking about. They gave new deals to Rex Grossman AND Terrence Metcalf. They are fucking retarded.
Anyway, the offense and defense are both half useless, the coaching staff is inept, and Devin Hester is nothing but an average #2 receiver now, and they got a division game coming up against the guy who ran for like 600 yards on five carries against them in one game last year. Happy days are fucking here again.
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