Dallas Week Bitches

It is Dallas week, motherfuckers. I know most everybody has already ordained them Super Bowl champs for the year, but they still have to go through the motions to get there, and that includes this weekend’s showing of the pre-eminent NFL rivalry - Cowboys vs. Redskins, a time when the road team looks off-balance in abnormal dark jerseys, being they both wear white at home, unlike most NFL teams. There are so many great memories for me associated with this game (and yeah, trust me, there were bad ones, but I suppress those with alcohol and stupidity)... Big Darryl Grant snagging a tipped interception and stumbling his big ass into the end zone in a playoff game against the Boys in the ‘80s. Santana Moss’s impossible two touchdown performance three years ago that brought back a lifeless Redskins team that should’ve been put out of its misery long before that point of the game, to win a Monday night affair, when Monday night games still meant something and weren’t relegated to the Mike & Mike treatment. Lavar Arrington, as ignorant and nice a guy as he was, will always be fondly remembered as a Redskin, for concussing Troy Aikman out of his career. And man, I’ll miss Sean Taylor more than ever when seeing T.O. line up agains them, because of the hilarious way T.O. would get alligator arms with Taylor roaming behind him. (Yeah, T.O. lit us up for 4 TDs second game last year, but Taylor was out with an injury that week.) Great times.
You know, we could fuck off this whole bailout bullshit and the entire American economic system could collapse completely, to where our entire lives were turned upside down and the NFL contracted down to a handful of American teams and then like 10 international relocations of the more marketable franchises (Berlin Raiders, for example, or Tokyo Dolphins), but I know that it will still be the Dallas Cowboys vs. the Washington Redskins, because these are the two most valuable professional sports commodities in North America. Hell, it’s an 11-point line against the Skins in this game, and I say rather than bailout bullshit, fuck the economy, drop that $700 bill on the Skins, they’ll cover no problem. And if they don’t, fuck it, we were going down anyways. Go big or go home.
Even beyond being a lifelong Redskins fan, it’s just so easy to hate the Cowboys. At times, it’s almost like they are a covert operation by the CIA to make sure closeted racists continue to think the phrase “that fuckin’ nigger”. How else to explain conceited, ignorant ass, shitbags like Deion Sanders and Michael Irvin making their mark as part of the same franchise? I mean, Hollywood Henderson, as an older dude telling wacky back-in-the-day tales is enjoyable, but I bet he was a first class KKK poster graphic in his prime. And they continue the tradition, with an unquestionable fruitcake like Terrell Owens and an unquestionable fuck-up like Pacman Jones on the roster. But even when Cowboy dudes weren’t obvious shitheads, like Emmitt Smith, it was easy for me to imagine them as secretive child molesting types. Actually, they did have a former kicker for Dallas end up being a child molester, I think Fuad Reveiz it was. My apologies to the Reveizes if I’m off-base. But I don’t remember any Redskins being child molesters. The worse we ever had was Dexter Manley, who was an illiterate cokehead. But like most dark-skinned bug-eyed illiterate cokeheads, he was great fun to listen to. He never videotaped himself and two other dudes fucking a prostitute like Michael Irvin.
Cowboys fans make it easy to hate the Cowboys too. They are always in places far away from Dallas, with no logical connection to the state, much less the city. I think Dallas has always been the natural football team of choice for the urban negro, because the star logo and team swagger fit the hip hop mentality before anybody even said stupid shit like “hip hop mentality” about things. And they also seem to represent the dreams of every illegal or legal Mexican-American-non-American dude who is trying to claw his way to success, because you can’t throw an empty quart bottle in most places without hitting some non-lingual landscaper in a Cowboys baseball hat.
And hey, I’ll be fair here... Redskins fans aren’t always that great either. Back in the NFL’s early radio days, the Redskins monopolized a giant chunk of the southeast for radio, so you have all sorts of old ass ignorant fuckers who are diehard Redskins fans in West Virginia and the Carolinas and east Tennessee and all, to this day. Honestly, I’d rather talk football with an ignorant ass urban negro Cowboy fan than an ignorant ass rural old white fucker, because the chances of blunt-sharing are higher with the former, and the chances of being told how Obama is gonna usher in an era of coons ruining the country, turning it into a ghetto shithole from coast to coast and Air Force One will be replaced by a bright yellow Cadillac with gold rims on and on and on, using terms archaic terms like “turkeys”.
And shit man, this is a rivalry game. When the Cowboys were going like 1-15 or 2-14, it seemed like the one game they’d win was against the Redskins. To this day, I still believe Norv Turner’s coaching stint in Washington was a long-term Cowboys plan to destroy us from the inside. It was Turner’s mediocrity that ruined hype for the franchise, causing ownership groups to dissolve and we ended up with Dan Snyder, a misguided little fanboy of an owner, holding the team like a toy car that he bashes against the hardwood floors, up and down, up and down, constantly, and then he cries to everybody around him when it won’t roll right anymore. Really, the fact Jerry Jones and Dan Snyder are the owners makes this an even more perfect rivalry, adding another chapter to it all, in this modern era of the football, two retarded-with-power fantasy football-minded owners meddling their hands into the coach’s pot all day long.
The rest of the NFL should pay attention, because this is a true rivalry, and from the NFC East, which is the best division in football, obviously. We only lose to each other. And I am set to help as best as I can, with my psychic energy and hope. I am confident we will win. Three years ago, when we were down 13-0, I held hope, making myself believe, even if Mark Brunell never had shown me any reason to believe before, and that little bit of psychic energy might’ve been the extra push the universe needed to drop them two TDs in Santana Moss’s hands. I will do the same this Sunday. Last game in Texas Stadium. It’s gonna be nice to piss all over that parade of champions, to derail the “Cowboys are NFL’s #1” bandwagon of thought, and hopefully, an angry Laron Landry or amped up Marcus Washington can give T.O. a nice shot and Theisman his leg. Because really, if T.O. goes down, so do the Cowboys. Which is why I will miss Sean Taylor this Sunday. But a couple of nice stiff questionable hits to that fag, and I’m sure he’ll refind his inner crocodile hands. I am ready motherfuckers.