Look, I don’t feel like writing this shit today. So here’s
what we’ll do. Go buy yourself a twenty bag and roll up two big blunts. Then
start smoking the first one. I’m going to tell you some music stuff to look up
on youtube for these players on the All-ACLB team, one rap-type shit and one
rock-type shit for each…
#23: Arian Foster (RB, Houston Texans) – Maybe the most
metaphysical fucker in the NFL. Look up Wise Intelligent’s “Illuminati” video.
Yeah I could probably put links but fuck it, I want you to wormhole yourself
here. As for rock, I guess it would have to be kinda wacky, and might as well
represent Texas, so look you up some Roky Erickson. Old Roky with 13th Floor
Elevators is cool, but maybe you’ll get the Roky documentary there too, which
would be nice.
#24: Marshawn Lynch (RB, Seattle Seahawks) – Beast Mode,
from the Bay Area. Fuck rock on this one, just put “classic E-40” in the
googlebox, but somewhere in there mix in “Life is Too Short” by Too Short, for
clarity.
#25: Richard Sherman (CB, Seattle Seahawks) – Intelligent
shit-talking, aka the NFL embodiment of back-packer rap and nerd metal, and
abusing Adderall. Might seem like a Danny Brown choice, but I think Danny Brown
wallows in the darkness too easily. Go for the official video for “Pineal Gland”
by Ab-Soul, and see if “Book of Soul” is there while you’re at it. As for rock,
early Mastodon, definitely.
#26: Atari Bigby (S, San Diego Chargers) – Simply here
because of his name, as I hate all Chargers, forever. But San Diego is at the
border with Mexico and we probably could use a break. Scope you out some cumbia
rebajada as done by Sonidero Duenez, which is like the screwed and chopped
music done in Monterrey in the late ‘60s. You’ll be glad you did. Or maybe you
won’t because you’re an uptight bitch who didn’t actually get high at the
beginning of this article like I told you. In that case, your lack of enjoyment
is due to your own not following the goddamn formula laid out for you. So fuck
you.
#27: Rashean Mathis (CB, Jacksonville Jaguars) – Florida
mini-dreads means Gunplay. Look up that “The Hard Way” song, as that’ll get you
hyped the fuck up again. A good rock match for this is Pentagram’s “Forever My
Queen”. I mean, they don’t really match but when it’s cold outside and you are
high and it’s nearly a full moon and you want to get your crazed mind of a
Charles Simic lunatic snowflake on, Gunplay and Pentagram are a good combo,
both in terms of music as well as actual things you are utilizing for leisure.
#28: Tom Zbikowski (S, Indianapolis Colts) – Haha, I don’t
even know why I included him. Probably to be contrarian towards Adrian
Peterson, whose bug eyes freak me out. Whiteboy safety returning punts in white
people Colts uniforms pure Indiana style is funny. Do you have Audacity for
mixing tracks? You should get Audacity, and put some Scott Biram on there
first, maybe “Reefer Load” or 18-Wheeler Fever” but then mix the sound on that
one down to about 33%. Then put “Kush Clouds” by Freddie Gibbs over top, or
fuck that, put “G.I. Pride” by Gibbs, going more old school (as old school as
Gangsta Gibbs can get) and put that over top the Biram, so that then you can
play it and it is Freddie Gibbs but with Scott Biram blurring up the
background. There, you have Indiana drug music. You’re welcome.
#29: Earl Thomas (S, Seattle Seahawks) – Why are there so
many fucking Seahawks on this thing? What the fuck man? I hate the Seahawks. Oh
well, go listen to “Drop” by Earl Sweatshirt, and then Steve Earle’s version of
“Mr. Mudd & Mr. Gold”. Actually that Steve Earle song is dope as fuck; it’s
why I have a Jack of Diamonds tattooed on my dick. Jack of Diamonds is a hard
card to play.
#30: LaRon Landry (S, New York Jets) – Haha, LaRon. No rap,
no rock, just R&B music late at night doing push-ups by yourself. But you
are already high, right? Okay, go get OG Ron C’s chopped not slopped version of
Frank Ocean’s Channel Orange called Channel Purple. By the time you get through
“Pyramids” and “Pink Matter” you ought to be halfway done on that second joint,
and wishing you had dipped it in embalming fluid first.
#31: Cortland Finnegan (CB, St. Louis Rams) – Pure
shit-talker. Pure Shit Talker. Listen to three Action Bronson songs (make one
of them “Barry Horowitz” though), and then “The Black Mass” by Pagan Altar just
to cleanse your aural palette and you’re almost done here.
#32: Jacquizz Rogers (RB, Atlanta Falcons) – Haha, what a
funny name. Makes me think of Jacuzzi rooms in the hotel, getting ass back in
the day. Oh man, to rent the Jacuzzi room at the Comfort Inn for the weekend,
getting fucked up as shit, those were good times. Oddly enough I find my sexual
stamina is more long-lasting now that I don’t drink alcohol. I get in this
weird mode where I’m dialed in and start having this weird brain sweat thing
going on and I literally can just do it forever, focused on my 3rd eye. I’m
interested in the changes in the brain chemistry during sex, and what drives
men to want to ejaculate in order to release those dopamines, because with the philosophy
of Chinaman old crazy dudes who just have sex with no orgasm gaining Qi force,
there’s something to it. I can feel it in my own life; I have found this to be
true. I’d like to know the chemical causes of this. How do we increase those
pre-orgasm chemistries naturally without getting the release of orgasmic
dopamine, and how does that stimulate Qi? No songs this time, sorry, we were
thinking instead. Maybe watch five minutes of a Sun-Ra documentary while you
think about it.
#33: Jewel Hampton (RB, San Francisco 49ers) – Don’t even
know who this dude is but his name is Jewel Hampton. You can just keep watching
the Sun-Ra documentary. It’ll be good for you.
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