Wednesday, September 7, 2011


PERTINENT DATA: 10-6 last year, won NFC East, lost hosting the Packers in wild card round of playoffs; 7 to 1 odds to win Super Bowl XLVI.
BEST CASE SCENARIO (Neil): Look man, I’m going to be honest with you: I don’t feel creative at all right now. In fact, I barely feel like I possess human intelligence. I just feel sort of . . . blah. Like, if you were here in the room with me right now and asked me a question, I would probably just grunt something unintelligible and then scratch my ass for the next half hour. This kind of thing happens, even to a warrior poet such as myself. Why am I telling you all this? I don’t really know, other than I think it’s important to always let you know where I’m coming from. That sort of honesty is integral to my writing. If I am just not feeling it, well . . . you deserve to know that. You shouldn’t have to sit through some half-assed forced bunch of bullshit gibberish. At least not without understanding where it’s coming from. But what does this have to do with the Eagles? Well, even though everyone is fawning over the Eagles right now and handing them the Lombardi Trophy, I’m just not feeling that shit either, so it’s hard for me to be all positive and to ride around on a baby tricycle with a siren attached to it like some sort of Mongoloid idiot in a stupid and futile attempt to make everyone believe in the redemptive powers of Michael Vick and the bottomless salary cap resistant checkbook of Jeff Lurie. Yeah, yeah, the Eagles are supposed to be good on paper but there is something about this team that just feels off. It doesn’t really feel like a team so much as a collection of overpaid names. This does not seem like a hungry team ready to rise up and choke out the world with an old dog chain. No, this seems like a team of dudes who’ve already gotten their big paycheck and who view this as a fucking vacation. None of these dudes will work as hard because they think they’re just along for the ride. They think that they signed on to a fucking All-Star team and that all the other dudes will be doing all the hard work. Shit, I’m shocked this isn’t where Albert Haynesworth ended up. So why am I taking the best case scenario? Because the Eagles are a divisional enemy of Raven’s Redskins and sometimes we have to take the unsavory task of talking up some shitheaded team as a favor to the other dude. Raven did it for the Bears and now here I am doing it for the Eagles. But that doesn’t mean that I have to be Mr. Positive throughout this damn thing. Technically, the best case scenario for the Eagles is a Super Bowl title because it presupposes that all these big names are ready to go balls out. That is almost definitely bullshit, but hey, fuck it, I have fulfilled my duties here.
WORST CASE SCENARIO (Raven): The worst case scenario for the Eagles is almost too hilarious and possible to even type for you, considering the Dream Team hype. The black Mike Vick, who although rehabilitated last summer, almost got into a new boo-boo with the law when his cousin who got busted with him in the dogfighting shit wiped cake in the black Mike Vick's face at his birthday party at tha club, and then like ten minutes later got shot in the thighbone. That was after Vick was supposed to be a new man, and he wasn't, and now they dropped a wheelbarrow of redemption millions on that ass, so you know the devils start to talk a little louder as you get more comfortable. I am from Virginia, from a questionable upbringing, and I can relate to the devil vs. demon internal battles. That is why I think I have always supported the black Mike Vick, which is uncommon for a white dude. (I also believe O.J. is okay, and you guys need to stop giving a shit about him.) But the black Mike Vick is due for a slip-up again, which leaves the next step as Vince Young, who is like an even more unstable and unproven presence than Vick. Basically, Andy Reid rolled the dice with Vick and hit money, so he was like, "Fuck it boys, let's roll again!" and signed Vince Young. Vince Young will crap out. So if Vick is in jail for getting a blowjob from a transsexual, and Vince Young is crapping out, and they think they are a potential Dream Team, where do they turn? To Mississippi Philly bros, and The Ol' Gunslinger. He might be their last hope to actually cash in on this season's now-or-never potential. And can you imagine the lolololols of the Ol' Gunslinger in Philly, tossing INTs like it ain't no thing, for the love of the game, in front of those fans. The hyped up defense already I think is susceptible at linebacking and that line is not the greatest. They have the best three combined CBs in the league, no doubt, but you kinda want some pressure internally and defensive protection in the middle to allow CBs to do their thing without having to guard against 9 second routes. So if the defense is not the superstar fearmonger that Philly is hyping, and the offense turns into an Ol' Gunslinger INT parade, this could end up being the most amazingly tragic year ever for the Philadelphia Eagles, even more so than Terrell Owens imploding. Way more. Oh man, I'm excited for the season to begin NOW.
PLAYER TO PULL FOR (Neil): I’m not in a very positive mood, as I already established, and I don’t really like anybody on this team. I mean, I could say root for Jason Avant but even I have had enough of my obnoxious Michigan homerism so I won’t do that. I could be contrarian and say root for Michael Vick, but I never really liked Michael Vick even before he started drowning dogs. I mean, yeah, I guess I respected his talent and a part of me wanted to root for him because the idea of a black quarterback being the face of the league made me happy, if only because it would horrify all the Jethros out there, but let’s face it, the media world was always all too willing to accept Michael Vick. Honestly, he was as much a product of Nike Super Hype as much as anything else. It was like he was built for dudes like me, but not in a natural way. It was like he was built in a Nike lab after their marketing team determined that someone like him would be the best way to appeal to a dude like me. That may sound strange but I don’t really care. There was just something about him that was always off. The dog fighting angle caused a lot of that media created buzz to wear off and I guess in a contrarian way, a part of me wanted to root for him to succeed just because everyone was up his ass. But, you know what? Fuck Michael Vick. The dude drowned some dogs which is just a shitty thing to do. I mean, that’s just the bottom line there, you know? Strip away all the other bullshit, all the cultural black vs. white, north vs. south, city vs. country shit which admittedly complicates the issue and which makes me feel weird to come down on the same side as the shrieking harridans of the world who probably think that Bryant Gumbel is a dangerous man, but . . . the dude drowned some dogs. I’m not even a big dog lover (Well, there was that one time but I was drunk.) I just think that shit is fucked up, and not in a good way but in a come on, man, that shit just isn’t necessary way. I don’t hate Michael Vick. In the end he did what he did and that shit’s over, but I’m not going to swarm his balls just because it’s the contrarian thing to do either, you know? He still gets the shit hyped out of him by the media and he’s more of a lightning rod than ever for people to attach their own prejudices and weird ideas to, and that makes him a compelling figure, I guess. But I didn’t really like him before, and so fuck, it would be completely disingenuous of me to jump up and say root for this dude now, you know? But wait . . . this was supposed to be about the player to root for, not my longwinded feelings about Michael Vick. But like I said, there really isn’t anyone who moves that warrior spirit inside of me, and . . . wait, I forgot Owen Schmitt was on this team. Yeah, root for him. He’s a crazy fucker who will run into a brick wall without his helmet on. I’m guessing he’s a lot of fun to get drunk with and he’d probably let you sleep on his couch if you were too fucked up to get home. I don’t know, he just seems like a solid dude, the sort who would fight a bear with you just because, even if he didn’t understand why. I can respect a man like that.
PLAYER TO HATE MOST (Raven): You should just hate Andy Reid the most, for ignoring the plight of his own heroin-addicted children to coach the football. Priorities, fat man, priorities. But since I have to pick a player, I will say a great guy to hate for absolutely no reason whatsoever would be... I don't know, there's no outright cocksuckers on this team really except for Vince Young. But hating Vince Young is like hating child molesters. It's just too obvious. I don't know, I guess you should hate Ronnie Brown because his name is so boring.
BEST NAME ON TEAM: Mike Kafka, back-up QB and great-grandson of existential literary luminary Franz Kafka. Seriously. I just wrote it on the internet so it's true.
IN A PERFECT WORLD (Neil): In a perfect world, the Eagles would fall apart and be torn to pieces by vicious infighting once it became clear that they were just a collection of complacent millionaires and not a team of rabid attack dogs. This needs to happen because Andy Reid is kind of a bullshit coach with bullshit ideas and because Philly fans are like Jets fans. It’s fun to wind them up and watch them melt down when shit doesn’t go right. There is something low class about Philly fans just like there is something low class about Jets fans. That’s not even an insult, really. They revel in that shit. All I’m saying is you can’t ask me to root against a scenario which sees Andy Reid have to get helicoptered out of town in one of those giant slings they use for transporting elephants while irate Eagles fans throw bricks and shit at him and then set fire to their own city and beat their grandmothers because their grandmothers tried to change the station when Mook and the Big Cheese were talking about farting in Donovan McNabb’s mouth for the billionth time on whatever sports radio show those degenerate mouthbreathers all listen to. That’s all I’m saying.
PROGNOSIS (Raven): The Philadelphia Eagles will go 11-5, which will be enough to win the NFC East, and in the playoffs they will mosey their way as far as the NFC championship, but they will lose and not got to the Super Bowl XLVI and will go home to the land of fat ugly wives and broke black people. If they do somehow contradict the magical prediction abilities of my driftwood mushroom sticks, and go to the Super Bowl, I hope they get Schoolly D to do the Eagles Super Bowl song, because there's not nearly enough love for Schoolly D in this world of our's.

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