Friday, December 17, 2010

Chris Cooley, Rex Grossman, and the unending Shittiness of Being a Skins fan

(this guy is one of us)

Hard to even get a piece out of my brain about how retarded the entire Redskins universe is before something even more retarded happens. And when I say Redskins universe, I don’t just mean the team or the front office or coaches or players, but the fans as well. Because in the past week, as playoff hopes have once again been vaporized before our very eyes by unmotivated millionaires strategically positioned amongst guys who still try, the talk turned to rebuilding. This of course led to talk of drafting better (or simply drafting if you want to be realistic about it, as the Redskins have traded more picks than they’ve used in recent years, and there is some convoluted ass quote by Vinny Cerrato from a year or two back about how you mess up your team when you draft for your needs, which is probably why we are what we are so heavily at this point) and how do we get more draft picks. So then the talk turned to who could be used as trade bait. Well, considering the Redskins only have about 4 players with actual decent trade value, and really the only position we could even consider ourselves fairly equipped at is TE, Chris Cooley’s name was mentioned in many places as a trade bait dude.
This is bothersome, as well as fucking stupid. On one hand, I feel bad for Chris Cooley, who has been a fan favorite since he got here under Joe Gibbs, mostly because he was a retarded whiteboy metalhead prone to fuck multiple cheerleaders. Then he married one, and has been a relatively settled down married man ever since, having corny cigar poker parties and shit like that. But even in normalcy, Cooley is extreme. After the Buccaneers game, he was freaked out like everybody else. But he is not in his “let’s go out and get drunk and date rape whores” days anymore; he is a married man. So he went home and angrily turned his pottery wheel, making a goddamn buffet table’s worth of bowls and containers to glaze and fire. It made me more stoked for the dude than I have been in months. I mean, you’ve got the young and obviously nordically oddball Logan Paulsen right there getting his first TD last week, threatening to give that goofy white dude fanbase something new to pull for. And Cooley’s just sitting in his basement, making a thousand centerpiece bowls, even though his mom probably already has like 29 of them.
But the real retardation in this thinking is that other owners or GMs are as stupid as Dan Snyder or Vinny Cerrato. The most the Redskins could probably get for trading away Captain Chaos is a 4th round pick, with maybe a 7th thrown in for good measure if they are lucky. I started looking through Redskins draft records to see what great guys they’ve picked in the 4th or later rounds in recent years, but it started to make me want to shoot myself in the face. Needless to say the most notable one is CB Justin Tryon, and he is notable because he has done fairly well for the Colts since the Redskins traded him away this fall. Everybody else is a no-name or a never-was or is still waiting to fail (like rookie LB Perry Riley). So ultimately, fans are clamoring for Cooley to get traded for nothing.
Beyond Cooley though, there’s not much on the team worth trading for if you were another team, except maybe Brian Orakpo or Laron Landry, neither of whom would return enough of a draft pick back considering they’re both top 12 picks, and both of whom are supposed to be cornerstones of the defense for the foreseeable future. After that there is literally not a single fucking thing that another team would want to trade for. We are not stocked up with young talent or anything. So basically we are fucked, for not just this year but the next couple years.
And then the “Rex Grossman will start on Sunday” story breaks, which leads to the next problem. But let’s analyze the starting of Grossman. First off, no one can deny that McNabb has been a huge piece of shit at QB this year. And he’s still somehow on pace to break the all-time Redskins single season passing yardage record; so there’s something mildly satisfying in him being denied that. But then again, anyone who saw, well, the first play of Rex Grossman against the Lions can attest to the natural born scientific fact that Rex Grossman is still about three levels below Shitty McNabb. (Props to McNabb for being shitty enough that the conditional draft pick attached to his trade will only be a 4th rounder next year and not a 3rd rounder. Too bad McNabb probably won’t even be here when we don’t have that pick.) The issue here is that Grossman has been Shanahan the Younger’s clipboard pal for the past two seasons, and it seems that Shanahan the Younger is convinced that he can do something with Grossman that everybody else on earth before him was unable to do – shape him into a winning starting QB. This is standard “I’m a Genius” coaching think that a lot of coaches go through. Mike Shanahan certainly seems like he’d be the type of father figure to raise an asshole cocksucker son who would be full of shit in regards to his opinion of himself, so it makes sense.
This will crash and burn as a decision though. If Grossman coughed up the game-sealing fumble that helped Nkdakamongo Suh have the perfect highlight to become the leading vote getter at DT in the Pro Bowl in one play, what the fuck will he do for the Cowboys defense in a whole game? Keith Brooking’s will probably be able to squeeze two more years of a contract out of this Sunday (which is unfortunate, because there have been few stupider fuck white guy LBs in recent NFL history – Brooking is far worse than either Brian Urlacher or even Zach Thomas in pure annoyance factor, stealing pre-game speeches from shitty Mel Gibson movies… in fact I saw some picture of him doing one of those things before a game the other day on some blog, and Brooking was surrounded by cameras, and his teammates were kinda in the background, almost as if it was a spectacle for the media, and really his teammates were just kinda hanging out to make Keith look good before they actually got themselves hyped up by passing around a piece of white pussy or something that DeMarcus Ware had brought from home).
But beyond that, the ultimate problem is this – no Redskins leadership, excepting the Joe Gibbs years, for the past 15 years has thought of actually building a team, much less rebuilding a team. This is not a one spring deal, although every year the Redskins PR department somehow convinces everyone that that’s all it is. (Oh man, the “We have the QB, we have the Coach, we have the GM, everything is in place” radio spots from earlier this year, man they make me want to do very vile and murderous things not only to Dan Snyder but anybody within three branches of him on the Snyder family tree, including his in-laws.) It will be two to three years before we should even start to see a halfway formidable team on the field.
This means, most likely Mike Shanahan will get run from town before he is done doing whatever the fuck it is he thinks he is doing, because after two more years, that’s three, and no one coaches the Redskins that long. No one. Which means this shit will all get undone, probably after next year, because when they invariably suck again, Snyder is probably going to ask for the head of Shanahan the Younger as appeasement to football tradition, and Shanahan the Elder is most likely not goin’ out like that, so they will both be gone.
(This brings to mind another stupid thing I heard this week… that the Redskins need a QB from the 1st round, and that Cam Newton will probably still be around when it gets to the Skins pick. Cam Newton is a tall, athletic dude from Auburn who has led them to an undefeated season, projected to go in the second half of the first round at this point. The last tall, athletic dude from Auburn who led them to an undefeated season who was projected to go in the first round, his name was Jason Campbell. Yeah.)
So ultimately, what I am saying, is we are fucked. We are fucked on Sunday with Rex Grossman at QB, we are fucked in the draft next year, we are fucked for the foreseeable future, and we are fucked beyond that. And that all comes spiraling from Dan Snyder. I know some of the defenses for the team I read this week from guys like Cooley was that fans should still cheer for the team and remain fans. But what guys like that don’t realize is we have nowhere else to complain. Things have been screwed up for a while, and we have been fans for longer than most of these players have been playing for the Redskins. But it’s not like Dan Snyder has a parade every Friday through the streets where we can throw eggs at him and set Redskins paraphernalia on fire and hope someone Lee Harvey Oswalds him. So we boo. Fuck cheering for endless mediocrity (if we are lucky) and having to pay fat fucking prices in order to do so.
So yeah, it is Dallas week, and I am not very hopeful. Fuck football.

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