Let me introduce this long-running feature inside my brain called the NFLuminati Index, which has been housed over the past 3 years at various interweb outlets where opinionz4u regarding professional tackle football are allegedly appreciated. I bring it to Armchair Linebacker at this point in all our lives because it has become painfully obvious if you poke around the interweb for half an hour reading shit about the NFL that there is no fucking more real fucking place regarding NFL interwebbery than the ACLB. That’s just how it is. Even though, as Neil often puts it, these are strange and terrible times, for some reason the world puts forward this pretend nice face, pretending to care and pretending to not be hateful and pretending to not want everything to die a miserable death while you suck from a traveler’s flask of Jim Beam and chew on psilocybin caps.
Now, to explain the NFLuminati Index. Over the course of many years, using four different styles of calculators, three different illicit substances, and a ginger honey homebrew my ol’ lady made for me, I developed a mathematical nerdery formula for evaluating the top-to-bottom of the NFL. It is not reactionary, so if someone wins a big game one week, they do not shoot to the top of my bullshit Power Index, like most other styles of this nonsense do. It is not arbitrary but completely formulated, yet factored in as much as point totals and wons/losses is the psychic realm, by which the NFL is strongly ruled. In fact, I did this convoluted list one time using three ESPN almanacs (physical copies from used book stores, not internet) while on blue windowpane blotter acid to take the original NFL champion from the original NFL season, pretend they won a title belt with that, and defended it in every regular or postseason game from that point on. It was shocking how certain franchises (Redskins, Steelers, Giants, Patriots, Cowboys) were always at the top of that list, while upstart franchises never got time with this fake psychic belt. And I’ve been able to utilize this knowledge to correctly predict which franchises have an actual upward trajectory when down (like the Rams) and which ones are fucked (like the Bills). But it’s also called into question, in my mind, about whether there is some sort of secret panel that decides who goes how far during the year, sports entertainment style, but in a way to perhaps move merchandise, or increase public opinion, or whatever. I mean, the years we started wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, the Patriots won the Super Bowl. Last year, on the heels of black Presidentery and America being reborn post-depression, of course the Saints win the Super Bowl. It feels good.
But I digress in my long-winded explanations. Basically, I use my updated NFLuminati Index to do a weekly column on 8 of the 32 NFL teams, usually broken into divisions, but at the end of the year by class status. This is also broken into quarters of the season, as there are 16 weeks to analyze before we move into playoff analysis, so you can follow the season like a game. The NFLuminati Index does not have real telling power when it comes to knowing who is good or not during the 1st quarter, like a real game, but this week (we are in the very last 2nd quarter column before we move into the 2nd half of the season), things are as they should be, and where teams stand overall is their actual value within the NFL, regardless of what some other faggot sports shithead has told you elsewhere. I’ve done a lot of drugs, drank a lot of homebrews, pushed a lot of calculator buttons, and metaphysically deduced a lot of variables to build this impeccable system. So fuck you if you disagree.
Anyways, I usually build from worst to best in various manners during each quarter, and in this last part of the 2nd quarter of the season, I have gotten down to the South divisions of both conferences. Traditionally, the Easts have been the power divisions, sometimes the Norths (who are the rightful heirs to the claim of the old defunct Central divisions, as the Souths were hodgepodge realignment creations). But with last year’s Super Bowl of the Saints over Colts, the South was crowned geographical king of the NFL, and if you go by overall record, it is holding that crown successfully right fucking now. So here are your 8 South division teams, with records and overall ranking according to the NFLuminati Index, as we head into week 9 of the NFL season of 1431 our year of The Prophet who ascended to Heaven…
#1: INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (5-2, 1st overall) – Yes, the Colts are the best team in the NFL. When you look at how they’ve been decimated of key contributors on offense, excepting the Tennessee Hick Cyborg, it is amazing they have done as well as they have. Still though, as with last year, Peyton Manning is already deified by most NFL dumbasses, so it almost seems the Colts play up to make someone else look good in the long run, like if they lose to the Saints in the Super Bowl or the Steelers in the playoff, or set up yet another Brady/Manning showdown of key importance with high ratings and wonderful ad revenues. What makes me saddest is that the Colts recent successes means they will never alter their boring as fuck uniforms. Lucky for them they are in the worst division in the NFL for uniforms.
#2: ATLANTA FALCONS (5-2, 6th overall) – The Falcons are also the best team in the NFC according to the NFLuminati Index right now. The NFC is basically a clusterfuck of mediocre to maybe good teams that will logjam each other to death until six of them are allowed into the playoffs in January. One of them will have to go to the Super Bowl, because that is how things are set up. But when the Falcons are the best team in the conference – and this is no slight on the Falcons, because I enjoy watching them play tackle football, especially when they were the red helmets – it is obviously a year of forgettable teams doing battle for gaudy rings.
#3: TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS (5-2, 10th overall) – The Bucs are an odds-defying team this year. Josh Freeman should not be any good, but he’s doing okay. LeGarrette Blount comes from nowhere last week to piss on the ground and say, “This is my territory now, bitches; fuck them other rookie RBs!” Shit, you’d be lucky to name five players not named Ronde on the Bucs roster if you weren’t a Bucs fan, maybe even if you were. It’s a no-name bunch of dudes with some weird little black guy head coach who is younger than most players that seemed like he was a rebuilding years fill-in between Jon Gruden and someone else more serious, but somehow, they’ve all made something of it. It’s like Major League: The Football Team, just without Charlie Sheen, although I’m sure LeGarrette Blount is not afraid to rough up some hookers if necessary. (One time, like four blocks from Raymond James Stadium, I was drunk and stopped at a grocery store for some ground coffee to tuck my bag of weed in since I was pretty sure I was gonna get pulled over for DUI, and right next door was a strip club with a spaceship room. Seriously, it was a round spaceship on the back upper half of the club, and I can only assume that is where the VIP room was, or maybe you got some supersonic cybertronic blowjob up there using illegal aliens and those globe lights with lightning in them that your finger would touch and cause more lightning to move around, all hanging from the ceiling. I wanted to go in, but got really paranoid… or more paranoid is probably more like it, so tore the fuck out of town. I woke up in someone else’s clothes in Ft. DeSoto Park the next afternoon. Nice park – really clean beaches. No riffraff. I enjoyed myself.)
#4: HOUSTON TEXANS (4-3, 12th overall) – The Houston Texans have the ugliest uniforms in all of professional football. It is a shame they came along post-9/11 and they were forced by corporate overlords to have such corny red, white, and blue colors. They really should’ve gone with purple and embraced Houston style fully, with like a blurry H in a lone star logo. And for alternate jerseys, instead of the same colors, they could’ve rocked football uniforms with colored stripes sideways like those gangsta ass old Astros uniforms, that when you see a black spanish person wearing, unbuttoned, anywhere on earth, you know you are in the wrong neighborhood. Black Hispanics are some of the least trustable people on the surface of the planet. That’s why they play baseball instead of football. Tackle football is a game of trust and building relationships with your peers. It is a game of men working together to outconcuss other men who don’t work together quite as nicely as you. It is not a place for lack of trust.
#5: NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (5-3, 13th overall) – Yeah, the Saints are okay and all but just don’t seem to have the same flow they had last year, but you know, who gives a fuck? As long as they sell a whole shitload of those customized Cool Brees jerseys/sweatshirts/dog collars all that crap, the NFL won’t care. You see, that’s the goddamned point anyways. Merchandise, setting up the advertising PPV the first Sunday in February where even people who don’t like football get excited to watch commercials. Me personally, I’d rather watch semi-pro prison leagues from Oklahoma. They have a youtube channel for that. There’s also an awesome alien sex channel on youporn.com you should check it out if you’re wasting time watching shit online.
#6: TENNESSEE TITANS (5-3, 16th overall) – Man, I didn’t even think on Randy Moss going to the Titans, which is the most perfect thing ever. You’ve got Chris Johnson/Randy Moss/Vince Young but if Vince Young is fucking up you trot out the real ol’ gunslinger in Kerry Collins, and it is okay to have two QBs both playing because Jeff Fisher has been coaching since 1982. It’s also great to have Randy Moss in Nashville, because that’s as close to back in West Virginia as he’s been since he got out of college. I have always been intrigued by how Randy Moss talks the same way wigger chicks from West Virginia/Tennessee/Kentucky/Virginia/the Carolinas/upstate Georgia/and the northeastern corner of Alabama talk. It’s like hillbilly redneck but with a Brooklyn accent, perhaps because black penises disrupt the neuron flow through the part of your brain where speech patterns are developed, and with a bite because their ponytail is always really fucking tight. I love those wigger chicks like that, so godawful, working shit jobs to support their various mulatto children, but so funny. There is one at the blood clinic I donate at (blood donor as often as possible ever since 9/11 – I’ve actually given like 2 gallons of blood, in the hopes that my degenerate molecules fuck up a cop or old lady or something with inner-molecular confusion) and she is so hideously unattractive yet I am so enthralled by her and we flirt and it’s funny and they take my blood and I get a free tiny can of V8 and go back to work, knowing that one beer is gonna feel like three. So yeah, Randy Moss in Tennessee makes perfect sense and I can’t believe I didn’t think of it first.
#7: JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (4-4, 25th overall) – Poor Jacksonville, always mentioned as the potential Los Angeles franchise, with the crazy head coach and most known unknown black quarterback and the really nice and awesome RB that nobody knows because he’s in Jacksonville. But is that Jacksonville’s fault? What the fuck do the fine people of Florida care? Sure, they’ll check out the football, but really, those are terrible team colors and a stupid name. Jacksonville was home to a ton of great southern rock back in the ‘70s, and 2 out of every 5 people in that part of the state are ignorant rednecks. They should’ve called them the Jacksonville Skynyrds and done like a confederate flag but with an African color (for the blacks, which I guess would be like that zubaz kwanza design that every college basketball team had as trim on their uniforms 8 years ago) and a Mexican color (not sure what that would be specifically but I’d go with lime green personally) and then one of the regular racist colors. But make it New South, not racist, where black and brown and poor whites come together in the name of rooting for the same sports team. In fact, fuck even going with Jacksonville in the name, call it the New South Skynyrds. It may seem ridiculous to have a non-city name like that, but shit man, there is the NEW ENGLAND Patriots. And then you would’ve had the precedent to have retarded names instead of boring City/State Nickname boring ass NFL team names, so when they do move to California to give that market a home team once an appropriate stadium is in place, they can just be called the L.A. O.S.G.
#8: CAROLINA PANTHERS (1-6, 31st overall) – Whatever rich dude that owns the Panthers has to be stoked that finally he has assembled a team that will lose enough games for him to finally let John Fox go easily and hire Bill Cowher, who has been patiently waiting down the road with his family in Raleigh ever since he left the Steelers to be appointed coach of the Steelers South. And John Fox will either be immediately announced as someone else’s head coach, or he’ll spend a year boring the fuck out of people in some sort of network pre-game show so he can get paid. You know what I hate? When coaches/politicians/anyone is like, “I’m resigning to spend more time with my family.” You know what motherfuckin’ world? I’d love to spend more time with my goddamned family, but I’ve got to work to pay the interest accrued on the bills I can’t afford to pay. So fuck you, Mr. Resigning Ass Family Man. I hope your family hates having you around the house because you’re so overbearing and unpleasant. And you try to get a hobby, which will be turning a room into a model railroad scene, with a mountain and a little town and everything, but it won’t be in your heart, so you’ll still be overbearing as fuck, so the family will bug you to go play golf or something, which you’ll start doing at the country club where you just get drunk and try not to be home since it’s so uncomfortable and man, you really miss your old work. And I start coming over and fucking your wife, in her secret pussy even which she never lets you do, and we go and play with your train and I take a paint marker and scribble little tiny graffiti tags on the sides of the buildings in your small town and you don’t even fucking know. You asshole.